She said yes.

What could be more exciting news than that?!

As we told our friends of the news almost everyone was thrilled and happy for us.  Yet there were also some strange and bizarre reactions as well.

“To each other?”

“You bastard, I knew you were going to do that!”

“Are you sure?  Most marriages end in divorce you know.”

But the best one of all was:

“…so anyway about my fish.”

That came from a friend who was graduate student in fisheries.  To say he loved talking about his fish would be an understatement.  His fish were his life.  That’s all he talked about.   After we told him the news, he didn’t say congratulations.  He didn’t ask when the wedding would be.  He didn’t even have a sarcastic or negative comment.  He simply went right on talking about his fish.

While “so anyway about my fish” weren’t his exact words, it became our inside joke.  Our own catch-phrase that meant no less than an utter and complete failure of somebody to listen to the point of hilarity.

Think about conversations you’ve had with people in the past 24 hours.  Try to remember if you were guilty of any of the following:

• You interrupted.
• You failed to clue in on emotions.
• You didn’t ask follow-up questions.
• You were not sincere.
• You rolled your eyes.
• You sighed.
• The first comment out of your mouth was negative or sarcastic.
• The first comment out of your mouth was making a joke.

I’m an insufferable smartass.  I’m constantly struggling with that last one.   I catch myself all the time hijacking a conversation with attention grabbing shenanigans. (but it’s just sooooo fun!).

We’re all guilty being bad listeners from time to time.  Be more conscientious of your reactions during conversations.  You don’t want to be remembered as the “so anyway about my fish” guy.

photo credit: jrgatormojo

Can you listen and not make a comment?  Can you hear what somebody has to say and not express an opinion?  Can you be aware without reacting?

Awareness is a skill.  One that is surprisingly easy to get better at.  And also something that most people are absolutely lousy at.

Everyone can do this simple exercise to increase awareness. First of all, you have to leave your house to do it.

Go someplace where you can stand or sit undisturbed for 90 seconds. It doesn’t have to be a quiet place. But it does have to be a place where you can be away from family, friends and the drone of our regular lives.

If possible, go someplace new.  It doesn’t have to be across town.  Just someplace you don’t normally go.  Like a new bus stop bench.  Outside a restaurant down the street.  Or a playfield at a nearby school.

Clear your mind of chatter.  Close your eyes and listen for 90 seconds.   Try to take in as much auditory information as you can.   Rain coming off leaves and down gutters.   Dogs barking.  Cars.  Wind.  Birds.  People talking.  A distant siren. Your heart beating.  An airplane.  Your breath.

Actively listening increases your awareness.  Makes you more in tune with the world around you.  And yourself. 

Become more aware of the world around you.  When you do so you’ll be more open, less hurried and more content.  And when you do throw in your two cents, it will be more thoughtful and understanding.

photo credit: √oхέƒx™

If you can’t hear yourself, you can’t hear anyone.

Are your strong words stopping you from listening? When you use phrases like “I’m certain of it” or “I know for a fact”, you are essentially saying you’re not open to listening. You’re not open to hearing another point of view.

Face it, you’re just being stubborn. Even if you think you do know something “for sure”, tone down your language if you expect to have a meaningful conversation.

For example, try saying “I’m inclined to believe” or “I’ve been taught” or even “I could be wrong but here’s how I see things”. Phrases like these are listening friendly. They invite people to be more forthcoming and open with you. It also makes the conversation less confrontational and more about exploring a topic of interest with someone.

People tend to be terrible at this when it comes to talking about politics, religion or computer operating systems. For fun, try having a conversation with a friend or acquaintance on one of these topics using listening-friendly phrases. See how far either of you can get before your strong words take over and you stop listening.

photo credit: James Jordan

But I drag my feet.
I’ve been really busy.
And sick.
And then really busy again.
You see, I have good reasons.

I don’t want to go through with it.
If you were listening to my thoughts, you would know.
If you were paying attention, you would figure it out.
But you’re not.
Just don’t make me say the word.
No.
I don’t want to disappoint you.

photo credit: [ Roberto Bouza ]

What are the 5 biggest events that have shaped your life?
How many of those were because of something you specifically planned?
And if any of them are, how many went according to your plan?

Don’t be so quick to plan.
Or rather, plan on being open to new experiences.
Plan on taking your time before you form an opinion about something.
Or somebody.

Plan on being open to possibilities.

photo credit: See-ming Lee 李思明 SML

My daughter had an epic dream and wanted to share it. I was in the middle of something.

“Dad, put down your iPhone, I want you to listen to my dream.”

My wife and I stopped what we were doing and listened intently. What she shared was an epic story of adventure and discovery. To me it was part Alice in Wonderland, part Dark Tower, and part totally original.

Nothing short of amazing.

When she finished, my wife suggested this dream be the basis for a novel for an English assignment. We discussed possible changes to the story to make it more complete. My daughter thought up some new twists and a great ending to tie it all together. After 30 minutes of discussion, she had a solid outline for her English assignment.

More than that, she was inspired. Excited about an English assignment. Because it was no longer an assignment.

It was her story. One that she believed was good and wanted to share.

What if we hadn’t stopped to listen?  What if we told her to wait?  Or listened with feigned interest?

What are some ways that listening helps you create? Or helps those around you?

photo credit: ZEDZAP>Nick