Let me get this straight.  Somehow these three little words are supposed to express our deepest emotions?  Our most fervent longings?  Our heartfelt pride?  The meaning of our very existence?

I love you has become the Family Circus of self-expression.  It’s overused.  It’s cliche.  It’s boring.  At best, it’s a sappy, milquetoast expression of a silly shared fantasy of what we think love should be.  At worst it’s cringe-worthy and disingenuous.  But mostly it’s the emotional equivalent of going through life using baby-talk.

I love you represses true feelings.  Why say what you really mean in your own words when Hallmark can do it for you?  Out of fear of offending?  Or perhaps fear of making yourself appear vulnerable?  Is it laziness?  Or are we simply so disconnected emotionally as a society, it’s a shared lie we all agree to tell?

Instead, of throwing out ambiguous I love yous, listen to your own feelings and choose a phrase that better suits how you truly feel.  If you’re so tingly and turned on you’re going to pass out, say that instead.  If you’re proud of your child, say that instead.  If you’re grateful to a friend, say that instead.  Be honest.  Be real.  Put yourself out there.  That is what the loved ones in our lives really want.  They want to connect with you just as you are.

I love you can be manipulative.  If you say I love you, are you saying it with a free heart?  Or because you expect the same response in return?  By focusing on the response, you’re being manipulative with your I love you.  You are looking to the response and feelings of another for your own validation.  There’s nothing wrong with saying to your lover, “tell me you love me.”  That’s honest and direct.  But by playing on emotions and guilt to get the response you want, that’s just wrong.

The point I’m trying to make is really about listening to ourselves.  Feelings are not something we should be afraid of expressing.  Especially to those that would be worthy of receiving I love you in the first place!

Here’s some things you can say instead of I love you…

“You’re so hot.”

“You’re gorgeous.”

“You make me happy.”

“You’re a treasure.”

“You made my day.”

“I trust you.”

“I’m so proud of you.”

“You’re spectacular.”

“You’re the best friend a person could have.”

Do you have any I love you alternatives you’d like to share?

Backbiting and gossip are nasty habits.  Yet, we all do it to one degree or another.  And we continue to backbite for one simple reason — somebody listens.  There’s no such thing as passive listening when it comes to backbiting. If I’m smiling and nodding while you talk smack behind Jane’s back, I’m participating.

1) Just Say No

One approach is to avoid it altogether.  This might mean pointing out the behavior immediately or simply walking away when it happens.  This is hard to do without coming across as self-righteous.  Therefore, the obvious downside of this approach is that you can end up alienating yourself.  Furthermore, this could put you in a tricky position when you need to confide in somebody about a problem that may appear to them as backbiting.  All in all, it really depends on the nature of the backbiting and the situation.  There’s nothing wrong with walking away if it’s something that makes you feel uncomfortable.  Frankly, I think we could all stand to do this a bit more often, but we don’t out of fear of taking a stand.

2) Nip it in the Bud

Often backbiting starts out as simple complaining.  Someone annoys the bejesus out of us and we just want to vent.   As the ventee, your job is to listen and try to ascertain if there a deeper, underlying problem.  Is this a cry for help or just a bitch-fest?  Facial and body-language clues help as well.  If this appears to be a legitimate problem, proceed to the next item on the list to help identify and solve it.  Otherwise, try to cut the complaining short while still showing empathy.  It’s a tricky balance depending upon the person and the situation.  My two favorite techniques are mild disinterest or humor.  Keep in mind that some people don’t want you to help solve their problem.  They just love to bitch and backbite.  Don’t enable them.  Or at least nip it in the bud as best you can.

3) Tell a Story

Share your own experience with a similar situation, whether or not you handled it well.  Being honest about our own feelings and behavior helps encourage the same.  The idea here is not to obsess so much on the outcome, but rather the process.  Focus on dealing with what can be controlled — our own attitudes and actions.

4) Focus on Behavior

If the backbiter is open to talking about the situation, try to point out the person is different from the behavior of the person.  It can be tricky to do this in such a way that it doesn’t seem like you are taking the other person’s side.  Sometimes you might have to come right out and say “I’m on your side”.  By separating out the behavior from the person, the backbiter may realize the behavior is something that can be dealt with.  And since we all have bad behavior to varying degrees, it also humanizes the person who is the object of the backbiting.  They are a flawed person — the same as you and me.

5) Hold up a Mirror

If all else fails, there’s always the nuclear option.  What I mean is that you can go on the offensive by changing the conversation to pointing out the character flaws of the person doing the backbiting.  Being a guy, I find this works exceptionally well with my male friends.  We are always teasing and ribbing each other anyway.  It’s really nothing more than a tailor-made excuse to have a go at your buddy.  But in order to be effective, you really have to lay it on thick and don’t let up.  Show no mercy.  Make him truly sorry he ever brought it up to begin with.  Just remember, when you dish it out, there will come a time when you’ll have to take it.